Why You Can’t Relax (Even When Nothing’s Wrong)
You finally get a quiet evening.
No demands.
No emergencies.
No one needing anything.
So why do you feel worse?
Why does your body buzz while your mind spirals?
Why, when nothing is wrong, does your system still feel unsafe?
It’s one of the most misunderstood signs of anxiety—
The inability to relax even when you’re allowed to.
This isn’t overthinking. It’s overactivation.
Most people assume anxiety shows up in moments of stress.
But for many of us, it arrives in the stillness.
Because when the world finally quiets down, your nervous system doesn’t.
You’re left with:
the tension that had nowhere to go
the adrenaline that wasn’t burned off
the backlog of feelings you’ve been outrunning
This isn’t a mindset issue.
It’s not “just calm down.”
It’s your body saying, “Now that you're safe, I finally feel everything I couldn’t.”
Why your brain doesn’t trust rest
If you grew up in chaos, high alert became your baseline.
You learned that relaxing wasn’t safe—
That as soon as you let your guard down, something went wrong.
That stillness meant vulnerability.
So even now, when things are safe, your system doesn’t believe it.
It’s not self-sabotage.
It’s self-protection that’s outlived its use.
What it feels like
You can’t sit still without reaching for your phone
You feel irritable on quiet days
You start arguments when things feel “too good”
You plan obsessively even when there’s no urgency
You feel guilt when you do nothing
You tell yourself you “should be happy” or “should be grateful.”
But your body isn’t interested in “should.” It’s responding to stored survival patterns.
So what actually helps?
If traditional advice like “just rest” or “meditate” makes things worse, try this:
1. Start with safety, not stillness
Don’t jump into silence or emptiness.
Instead, give your nervous system anchoring:
Wrap yourself in pressure (weighted blanket, tight hoodie, crossed arms)
Use rhythm (rocking, pacing, tapping)
Add gentle stimulation (a scent you associate with comfort, or music that holds you)
Let your system know it's allowed to downshift—without shocking it into it.
2. Rest doesn’t have to look like nothing
For an activated system, “doing nothing” can feel like threat.
Rest might mean:
folding laundry while listening to something safe
repetitive craft or doodling
walking a familiar path
watching something calming (not numbing)
If you grew up performing or fixing, you may need to do to rest—and that’s okay.
3. Notice what you call “lazy”
Often, what we label laziness is actually discomfort with rest.
Because somewhere along the line, you learned that doing = worth.
That stillness = selfish.
That rest = failure.
Challenge it gently. Ask:
What would I say to someone I love, if they needed this pause?
For parents, teachers, professionals...
This isn’t just personal. It’s everywhere.
Children who get fidgety on quiet days?
Teens who lash out when school pressure lifts?
Colleagues who get anxious at the end of projects?
Sometimes, the system doesn’t feel safe when it finally has space.
If we keep demanding calm without building safety first, we miss the point.
You can change this—but not by pushing
You don’t fix a dysregulated system by forcing it into silence.
You shift it by showing it what safety feels like again—
little by little, not all at once.
That’s what I teach through The STILL Method:
How to work with the body’s logic, not against it.
To create real tools that actually work when the nervous system is on high alert.
👉 Train as a STILL Coach
Learn how to support adults and children whose anxiety hides in the still moments—not just the panicked ones.
👉 Or work with me 1:1
If you’re tired of never feeling settled—even in peace—I support a small number of adults in exactly this space.
Your system isn’t broken. It’s brilliant.
It just hasn’t learned what safe feels like.
Yet.
